Money and happiness?

"Do you have everything you need right now? What your wants? Few of us have everything we want, and at times our wants can seem positively all-consuming. Our sensibilities become overstimulated by a mass media [sic] that glorifies beautiful people and expensive objects. It’s easy to lose clarity about what it is we need to live authentically. Most of us are hungering for something more in our lives. But do you really think the answer can be found in a glossy magazine or on the movie screen?"

(Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance)

There was a time when I used to think so. Back then, the idea of beauty, or fame, or wealth consumed me that it depressed me not to have any of them. I obsessed about losing weight, looking good, and making money that it sucked the life out of me and turned me into a slave driver to my earthly whims. Instead of spending time with friends or loved ones, I worked out two to three hours daily in the gym, pored over magazine after glossy magazine in the confines of my room, and daydreamed about the day when I would finally have millions in my bank account. I can’t say that I am proud to have been that kind of person.

I kept a diary of sorts from that period of my life, and it was here that I recorded things that I wanted to have. Check out these entries:

Membership shares in an exclusive resort (Fairways & Blue Water, Boracay) – and I don’t even play golf!

A personal trainer (and a private gym at home)

Invitations to exclusive parties and fashion shows – Yes, I love people and I love clothes… but what on earth was I thinking??

Jimmy Choo shoes (yes, the $400-a-pair kind)

Bulgari jewelry

Membership to exclusive spas around the world

A 24-inch waistline with washboard abs (yes, which I can work on while I’m slaving away at the PC…)

Looking back at these, I find it amusing that I equated my need for a more fulfilling life to the need for these material things. Sure, I would still love to have Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahniks—I really do—but to list them as must-haves of my life? What was I thinking?? And memberships to golf clubs and exclusive spas?? I would hate for Sir Ediboy Calasanz or Ma’am Tina Astorga, my favorite philosophy and theology teachers, respectively, to see these entries!

Really, I shudder to read these scribblings again.

It will probably take a shrink to analyze the processes that went on inside my head as I was writing those thoughts down one rebirth ago, but I am glad to have snapped back to reality and realized that all I need to be happy is right here, right within my reach. I have everything that I need, and I’m glad that I had seen that before God took away any of it.

But what about everything that I want? Oddly enough, I seem to have all of it, too. Except maybe for a larger bank account. And Jimmy and Manolo.

As I was writing in my diary last night, taking an “inventory” of everything that I have to be thankful for, I realized that I was practically living my dream life. Almost everything that I have now—my career, my lifestyle, my social life, my romantic life—is just as I had prayed it would be. The funny thing is that money and material wealth don’t seem to contribute much to this almost balanced equation.

Of course, I’m still working hard to be materially comfortable. Everybody needs money to survive, get around, and live a good life. I just don’t obsess about it anymore. Even if I don’t get Jimmy or Manolo, I know I’ll be happy and live a life without regrets.

The past few months have taught me much about the world and its workings. I’ve learned to be flexible and adapt to my environment (like take the jeep in three-inch heels… hahaha!), and to make the most of whatever situation I’m in. Whether I’m racking up a five-figure shopping spree bill or scrounging for tricycle fare, I’ve managed to keep myself together, walk with my head up high, and keep a smile on my face.

I am truly, realistically happy (even if I’m close to broke after the holidays), and this happiness stems from the recognition that Life has supplied us with most of what we need to live a meaningful life. All we need to do now is to use what we have to be the best that we can be.

Allow me to end with another quote from Sarah Ban Breathnach:

"What is missing from many of our days is a true sense that we are enjoying the lives that we are living. It is difficult to experience moments of happiness if we are not aware of what it is we genuinely love. We must learn to savor small, authentic moments that bring us contentment. Experiment with a new cookie recipe. Take the time to slowly arrange a bouquet of flowers in order to appreciate their colors, fragrance, and beauty. Sip a cup of tea on the front stoop in the sunshine. Pause for five minutes to pet a purring cat. Simple pleasures waiting to be enjoyed. Simple pleasures often overlooked."

Now, look around you and know that happiness will be right there if you reach for it.

(Written: January 15, 2004)

Chasing Dreams

The other day I wrote about Losing Safety Nets, and I'd like to apologize for reviving this column, for the nth time, on a negative note. I'd like to make up for it and reclaim the throne to my exuberance by telling you why I decided to resign in the first place.

It has always been my dream to empower and inspire other people through my writing. When I began A Spoonful of Sugar almost four years ago, people's responses to my articles told me that the world needed a friendly "voice" to egg them on. Often in our lives the words that we hear debilitate instead of motivate us. From our parents, teachers, or bosses we've heard about the things that we couldn't do ("don't be an artist; you'll starve") instead of seeing the possibilities that we can bring to life ("your life can bring hope and inspiration to young kids"). So I made it my personal mission to bring some sunshine into people's lives through my perky prose. And you may have noticed that the column hasn't been out regularly; it's because it's really been just a hobby, an outlet to vent my frustrations and psych myself up for better days.

In recent months, however, this little voice inside of me began telling me how resentful she is that I've "abandoned" my writing. I had become far too busy to write anything meaningful, and whenever I did try to write nothing would come out. I was stressed, frustrated, and in pain. Nothing inspired me anymore, and it began to show even in my work. Those were the first signs. Then, the little voice grew louder and more insistent that I get back to my craft. Again, I ignored it. THEN came the sleepless nights, the trying-to-write-but-nothing-comes-out nights, the trying-to-make-sense-of-things moments, UNTIL a voice just told me: "LEAP. TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH NOW."

Then I felt at peace. And everything made sense once more. The little voice inside me was happy, and I felt much lighter and alive. True, I've hardly even begun my journey, so maybe this peace will be short-lived, but it doesn't really bother me. Know why? I know that the road ahead will be tough–tougher than any road I've taken, any challenge I've overcome, any heartbreak I've experienced. BUT I'M TAKING A CHANCE ON MY DREAMS and, whatever happens–broke or not–I know I'll end up a winner.

So, what keeps YOU awake at night and keeps you going in the morning?

(Written: A Spoonful of Sugar, 6 June 2003)